• Peggy Chan

Examining Our Own Role in Toxic Relationship Dynamics

Updated: May 6



"The amount of unkind behavior you tolerate in others is in inverse relationship to how much love you have for yourself."

How we relate to others is a reflection of how we relate to ourselves.


Sometimes we tolerate toxic behavior because we are afraid that this is the best we can do. We are trying to hold on to someone who loves us a little rather than risk being alone. There is a part of us that is ok with “just enough” because we question whether we are worthy of the great love that our soul is deeply yearning for. But deep in our hearts, we always know when we are settling. At the soul level, we know we deserve more. Every time we permit someone to cross our boundary, we are abandoning ourselves little by little.


We teach people how they should be with us by how we respond to their behavior. What we tolerate will become a pattern over time. To get out of this toxic cycle, first look to see which relationships might be constricting you. For each toxic relationship, ask yourself:


🔹️ What is it I’m afraid of when I assert my boundary?

🔹️ What behavior have I engaged in to contribute to these dynamics?

🔹️ How does this relationship reflect my relationship with myself?

🔹️ What behavior can I let go of in order for me to prioritize my needs?

🔹️ What boundaries can I set that would increase the health of this relationship?


Oftentimes, we are deep into co-dependent relationship dynamics before we recognize how far we have moved away from our true nature. Sometimes, it is easier to see the other person as the villain and to perceive ourselves as the victim. However, we are more powerful than our mind has us believe. When we acknowledge that we have a role to play in every relationship dynamic, we can then take back our power and reassert healthier boundaries.


The work begins from the inside out. Love yourself so much to know that you are entitled to love from others. Be kind to yourself to set an example for others to be kind to you. Be clear and honest about your needs. The right person will meet them with love, maturity, and care. If someone cannot honor your boundaries, thank them for the clarity they bring to the situation and let them go. The most extraordinary love is already waiting for you when you are ready to claim it.


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